GRAMPS AND THE MANGO TANGO

I know that few people have ever heard of the dance the Mango Tango because Gramps actually choreographed it. The actual setting for the first rendition of the dance took place at Wild Animal park in San Diego several years ago. Now, Gramps didn’t set out to invent a new dance, it was just one of those spur-of-the-moment things.
Let me give you a little background. I, known to all of you as MeMe, have a definite aversion to the four letter words starting with the letter “F“. I’m not a prude, I just don’t like the feeling of the hair standing up on the back of my neck and my face turning bright splotchy red from embarrassment. I guess it’s my age.
The number one F word causes me to chill and shudder. The number two F word is not quite so offensive to me, but it still causes some uncomfortable feelings in my body. When I was growing up we referred to that number two F word as breaking wind. Hearing that term was never a problem with me. When my children were growing up, the popular word for it was poot, which seemed like an acceptable word. At least it wasn’t the F word that it so popular now.
In an effort to be a loving grandmother, not wanting to correct my grandchildren or shame them for using the popular number two F word, I began to tell them about another word that is not at all offensive to me, the word “fert“. Just changing the second letter from “a” to “e” somehow does wonders in making it acceptable. Now, that idea was not original to me. I saw it in a cartoon strip in the newspaper. Being the loving, respectful grandchildren that they are, all of my five teenage grandchildren and my mid-twenty aged grandson quickly adopted that new word and have used it in substitution for the common word that is offensive to me.
Gramps and I even bought a children’s book in Branson one time about the physiology of that particular body function. It explained how all animals produce gas in their digestive systems that must escape from their bodies in various ways. It showed pictures of different sizes of animals and how their ferts sounded, from the varoom of the elephant to the psst of the mouse. It was very informative and became a favorite book of our grandchildren. All grandchildren should have the book. It takes the mystery out of a common body function.
Now back to the first time Gramps choreographed the Mango Tango.
Gramps had eaten some mango, lots of it because it was so sweet and tasty, about thirty minutes before we embarked for the Wild Animal Park. All four of our California grandsons plus one of our sons and our daughter-in-law were with us at the park
About thirty minutes into our tour of the Wild Animal Park Gramps suddenly said, “I have to find a rest room.”
Our son said, “There will be one somewhere down this road.”
Gramps said, very emphatically, “No, I mean I HAVE to find a rest room.”
Neil, our oldest grandson who was sixteen at the time, said, “Come on, Grandpa, I’ll show you one not too far from here.”
Neil and Gramps took off quite hurriedly down the road. That was the first time I ever saw the Mango Tango. Here is what had happened: the mango acted on Gramps in the same way that prunes act on the bowels of other senior citizens.
Gramps, with his eyes frantically searching for the distant rest room, was moving very quickly, rear end protruding, buttocks tightened, each leg crossing quite tightly in front of the other one in a staccato stride, his arms clutched to his body but swinging from the elbows down, his face contorted into a miserable grimace as he rushed toward the promised rest room which was quite a distance away. Hence, the body movements for the Mango Tango.
We observed Neil and Gramps disappear from sight with Gramps fully into his new dance. We’ve all done that dance at one time or another, we just didn’t know what to call it.
After a long, long time we saw Neil and Gramps coming toward us in the distance with Gramps walking normally, so we all knew that they had found a rest room. As they came into close view of us, Gramps had a look of complete relief on his face. Good, I thought, he made it.
Neil’s look was not so pleasant. The beautiful chestnut colored skin on his handsome face was beet red. He began to relate to us what had happened as he described the incident in detail. It seems that when Gramps went into the rest room there was no one occupying the rest room at the time. Thank God, Neil thought. Then all of a sudden there were sounds coming from the rest room that made people in the surrounding vicinity suspect that an elephant had gotten loose and set up residence in the rest room. Neil said there were several long varrrroooooom sounds from the rest room that sounded like an elephant erupting in huge gaseous emissions.
Neil, a typical teenager at the time, was tremendously embarrassed, and rightfully so. His description of the park patrons stopping and looking around for an elephant in close proximity to the rest room was hilarious. He reported that when Gramps casually strolled out of the rest room and walked over to Neil and greeted him with, “Wow, that was close,“ that’s when Neil could feel his face start changing colors from his embarrassment. After all, this was his Grandpa, not some gas producing elephant. Teenagers sometimes have an aversion to being in public with their grandparents, let alone being in the company of one who makes sound-barrier-breaking eruptions in the rest room at a popular theme park in the hearing vicinity of hundreds of people. Gramps is working hard to replace that particular memory in Neil’s mind with some more laughable memories, but I’m sure that story will be told in its entirety for many years to come. Right now, it continues to gives all of us laughs about the Mango Tango and Gramps being mistaken for an elephant while in the rest room.
No more mangos for you, Gramps, the rest of your life!
As for me, the four letter F words are still offensive to me, but the word fert is acceptable. I’m just funny that way.

New Adventures of MeMe and Gramps
Are the two of us just plain nutty or do we have Permanent Giggle-Box-Turned-Over Syndrome?Sometimes I laugh so much at the two of us that I get choked. What a way to go, I say. Last week's adventure at the dollar movie (hereafter referred to as the $ movie) wasn't absolutely hilarious, but it became hilarious with this week's events added to it. Now, let me clue you in on our ages. I'm not going to tell you exactly how old we are, but we were confronted with the reality of our advanced years after this week's $ (dollar) movie experience. We went to pick up Gramps' two latest prescriptions at the pharmacy drive-in. When we stopped at the window, the weekend pharmacist who was manning the window said to Gramps, before Gramps told her his name and why he was there, "Good evening. We have two prescriptions for you today." Now, does that speak volumes? I commented that it's pretty bad when the weekend pharmacist knows your face and your name and you've only been trading there for three months. Gramps says it's because young chicks always remember handsome older men. You just keep believing that, Gramps. At this point let me say thank God for Medicare and medical insurance for our frequent visits to the pharmacy! Now that I've set the image in your mind of our ages, let me continue on with last week's adventure at the $ movie theater. The movie that we chose to view was an animated movie about cute little penguins. It was darling and had lots of loud music and loud ocean scenes where the huge sky scraper sized waves carried the precious penguins as they competed in surfing contests. Fortunately the sound in the theater was turned up very, very loud or Gramps would have been horribly embarrassed when he got one of his famous 25 straight nose-clearing, eardrum-busting sneezing fits. When he starts, he can't stop until he goes on and on and on to 25 sneezes. He usually gets embarrassed and apologizes, but it doesn't perturb me because I got use to it years ago. I seize the opportunity to count the sneezes, appreciating the chance to exercise my mind by counting numbers correctly. That way I'm assured I'm not in the early stages of Old Timers Disease, as my dad used to call it. As I said, Gramps' award winning sneezing fit happened during a very, very loud scene of the movie so he didn't have to feel embarrassed by blocking out the audio part of the movie during his nose-clearing, ear busting sneezes. That was last week.However, this week we weren't so lucky. The movie we saw at the $ movie theater was an action packed thriller. You know what I'm talking about, one of those where you get dizzy because the action on the screen is so fast and disjointed that you have to hold onto the seat or the arm rests to keep from falling out on the sticky floor. At least Gramps and I do. Yesterday I noticed that Gramps was unusually calm during the fast paced scenes, not gripping the seat or the arm rests, but I failed to look at him to check out his calmness. All of a sudden, the sounds from the movie screen became very, very quiet because of a sweet love scene. I was enjoying the sweetness of the moment until, oh, no, "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ," somebody was snoring very loudly. I reluctantly checked Gramps and, yes, he was enjoying his afternoon nap in the $ movie theater. I thought his sneezing last week was loud, but the "ZZZZZZZZZZZZ," this week bounced off of the walls.I have to be truthful, I'm not entirely innocent. I had already taken my fifteen minute snooze during the first part of the movie, but I don't snore so nobody but Gramps knew it. Oh, well, with Gramps' loud snoring I guess the rest of the patrons of the $ movie theater figured out that we were two of those poor, unfortunate homeless people who spend a $ to get into the $ movie theater to take a cool, restful, quiet nap at the coolest place in town in the 101 degrees weather. I think that false image was probably confirmed when we both limped out of the room with my funny hip and Gramps' recent meniscus surgery leg limp.Gramps, you always keep me laughing! It's kind of like Cartoon Circus all the time.

"The Adventures of MeMe and Gramps"

MEME AND GRAMPS’ EXCELLENT ADVENTURES

Bill and Ted have nothing on my husband and me. We can talk about our excellent adventures, too. The big difference is that our excellent adventures takes place every Sunday afternoon in a very strange place. The location is at the dollar movie theater (henceforth referred to as the $ movie) in a nearby city. Now, before you have the image in your mind of two poor, physically aged, financially strapped senior citizens, let me assure you that we are financially secure and are physically fit. The fact is that we like a bargain, and carrying the title of senior citizen affords us many bargains. I come by it honestly. One time my dad asked for a senior citizen discount on the price of an ice cream cone. While traveling with my parents another time, after being told that a motel room would cost $100.00 that night my dad told the desk clerk that he didn’t want to buy the place, he just wanted to rent a room for the night. Yes, my dad set the precedent for us, and we’re two bargain shopping senior citizens.The first time we noticed the $ movie theater we had five of our grandchildren with us. After taking them to a sports store in a strip mall, while exiting the store we spotted the $ movie theatre, which was showing a movie the grandchildren wanted to see. However, at that time the $ movie was 50 cents before five o’clock. We were in bargain heaven! All seven of us marched into the movie and it cost a whopping $3.50 for all of us, so we decided to stay for another movie. The charge was $7.00 for all of us to see two movies that had been at a first run movie theater the prior week. Boy, had we found a great bargain. The catch was that we spent $35.00 for snacks at the snack bar. We were okay with that because we had found a bargain at the $ movie.There are various advantages to seeing a movie at the $ movie theater. One is that the screen is humungous. I mean it is huge. I don’t even need to wear my glasses to see everything clearly. This works great for senior citizens. Of course, the obvious advantage is the price. Remember, this is the $ movie. Before going to the $ movie theater we usually go to Sam’s Club for a hot dog and a large pop for $1.50, .Then go to Krispy Kreme, if the light is on and they offer for a free donut, where we have free dessert. The next step is we go to the $ movie. Gramps calls it a cheap date. I haven’t figured out if he’s calling me a cheap date or if he’s calling the event a cheap date. Either way, he gets a bargain. We spend five dollars for dinner and a movie.Another advantage is that you never know what you are going to encounter at the $ movie. I think at this point we have encountered every adventure one can imagine. One of the first adventures I ever had at the $ movie happened in the rest room, which is kept very clean, but the equipment is not always in tiptop working condition. When I leaned over to flush the stool, my $125.00 prescription sunglasses fell from my chest pocket and were swooped speedily down the drain in what was probably the only efficiently flushing stool in the entire restroom. They were gone in a fraction of a second into the sewer. Now the dollar movie didn’t seem like such a bargain, but we still continue to partake of all that the $ movie offers.During the past few cold months we viewed a movie in one of the theaters (an eight screen theater) in our winter coats, earmuffs and gloves because the heat didn’t work in that theater that day. The outside temperature was 13 degrees and the inside temp in that particular room was barely above freezing. Another time, during a heat wave, the air conditioning was broken in the particular theater where the movie was playing that we wanted to see. But, after all, we had paid one $ to see it so any inconvenience was minor to us. That adventure wasn’t too bad except that the aroma in a cheap movie theater isn’t always pleasant during tropical type temperatures. Remember, this is the $ movie theater. Another very memorable event happened which has given me huge laughs and still does. The movie that was showing wasn’t that funny, but the adventure AT the $ movie was hilarious. You see, finding a workable seat at this movie theater is like searching for gold. When we enter a particular theater that is showing the movie we have chosen to see, we always have to go down a number of rows to find two seats that are still workable. Sometimes the padding or lack of padding leaves a lot to be desired, and other times the arms to the seats are missing or broken. Finding two workable seats together is rare. On this particular occasion we finally found the perfect seats and sat down to enjoy the film. A family of four sat down behind us and I peeked to see if there were any infants or small children in the family. This was our lucky day. They had teens. We’re certainly not opposed to bringing infants or small children to theaters, but we’ve found that people who often frequent the $ movie allow their kids to cry, scream, talk loudly, and generally act like they’re home watching a video. So when I saw that teens were behind us I relaxed, anticipating a good showing of an Oscar nominated movie. Before the movie started, the teenager who was sitting behind Gramps suddenly dropped her bottle of water, which quickly rolled under Gramps’ chair and rolled under the seat in front of him. Gramps, being the gentleman that he is, quickly scooted to the end of his seat and reached under the other seat to retrieve the bottle of water. The bottle was an inch beyond his reach so he scooted further down and onto his haunches and grabbed the bottle. He must have been sitting in the only seat in the entire building which still had workable springs in the seat, for in lightning flash speed his seat flipped up, folding up like it was intended to do when it was new. I was not quick enough to push the seat down as I saw Gramps sit back down, missing the folded up seat and -- yes -- plopping onto the floor. Being a very, very physically fit grandpa, he was not hurt. I was the one hurting because I was biting my lip and pinching my own leg very hard so that I wouldn’t laugh out loud. You see, I was trying to overcome something that is also a family trait in my family. Along with bargain hunting, we tend to laugh in tense situations, especially when someone falls. Now, unfortunately, the entirety of this particular situation, with Gramps plopping on the floor, happened in one of the only $ movie theaters which had workable overhead lights, so darkness hiding the embarrassing situation was impossible. The embarrassment heightened when the teen very compassionately and loudly said, “SIR, are you okay?” Now, SIR, is a very respectful term and I appreciate parents who teach their children respect for their elders by requiring them to call older people “sir” and “ma’am”, but sometimes when you feel 20 years old you tend to become deflated in your aging ego when a teenager calls you “sir“. The parents of the teens joined in by raining sympathy upon Gramps because of his mishap of missing the seat and landing on the floor after helping their child. Now, if you frequent movie theaters very often, all of you know the condition of the floors in most movie theater floors, especially after two or three showings. You can imagine what the $ movie floors are like. We laughed all the way home about this great adventure. The movie was only mildly funny, but the adventure AT the $ movie was hilarious, even to Gramps. Our great adventure this week began when we entered the dimly lit theater a little late and the coming attractions were already showing. Neither of us could see where to go to find our two workable seats. The only lights that were visible were the ones on the floor marking the aisles. I led into the theater with Gramps stumbling close behind me. Suddenly I bumped into what I thought was a person and loudly offered my apologies. It was a wall. Gramps thought that my loudly offering my apology of, “Oh, excuse me. I’m so sorry,” to a wall was terribly funny. I got the giggles also. That was the beginning of this great adventure. Well, now we have learned a valuable lesson, that when you only pay a $ to see a movie that you become very patient and polite when something happens to the film. When people pay outrageous prices to see first run movies they get mean spirited and angry and insulting when something happens to the film. After all, they have paid a fortune to be entertained and they want perfection. People always seem to be more relaxed at the $ movie. Yesterday, soon after we cautiously stumbled down the aisle and found two empty seats, the film broke in the projection machine while the coming attractions were showing. It became old home week at the $ movie for the first fifteen minutes during the intermission while the snack bar attendant was working on the projector. (At the $ movie having a film technician is a joke.) Parents were good naturedly talking to children, friends were visiting together like they hadn’t been together in years, people were turning on cell phones to visit with people they hadn’t talked to in probably the last fifteen minutes, and there was a real atmosphere of peace and happiness. That was the during first fifteen minutes of the intermission. After a brief fix of the film, it broke again and the lights came on again. Again there was a real cohesiveness among the people. A lady got up to repeat what a man had previously done, which was go to the entrance to tell the snack bar attendant that the film had broken again. When she stood up to go on her self appointed duty, a gentleman in the back good naturedly said, “Ask them if they’ll give us free popcorn.” Everyone in the theater laughed at the possibility. After all we had only paid one $ to get into the theater. We again became one big, happy family, laughing at the inconvenience. Another man on the right side of the theater said, “Make my nachos.” We were all together in the inconvenience, laughing with one another at the delay in the showing of the film . One man on the other side said, “Make mine one of those nine dollar bottles of water.” That clever comment brought huge laughs because the $ movie was a bargain but the snacks are outrageously expensive. It took another fifteen minutes for the snack bar attendant to fix the film, but there was not one sarcastic comment, no complaining and no griping from any of the hundred or so people there. Everyone was happy because they had only paid one $ at the $ movie theater. Maybe that’s a clue to road rage and inconsideration in public. When people only pay one $ they always stay cool and calm. Maybe if everyone on the freeways drove clunkers they wouldn’t get so mad when cars cut in front of them because if they get hit there’s no real loss. Maybe if everything cost one $ in stores, then people wouldn’t get upset at clerks at the mall. If the store is out of a desired item they can just buy another similar item for one $. I think I’ve got a key here to consideration and good will. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a disgruntled shopper in the $ store. Being the adventurers that we are, Gramps and I are eager for next Sunday to come for us to go see a good movie and see what hilarity we find at the $ movie theater. If you want adventure and a barrel of laughs, find you a $ movie theater. They are just as much fun as the old fun houses we used to go to with the mirrors that distorted your image. Also you can see great movies for a bargain with other people who are cool and calm because they’ve only paid one $ to be entertained. Watch out for the working seats, though, which quickly fold up, and the working stools in the bathrooms that eat prescription sunglasses.When our grandchildren come to visit for a month this summer we’re going to have an every Monday all day movie excursion because we can take them on Mondays for 50 cents again. Do you suppose we can sneak in the snacks if we stay for three movies? No, we don’t want our grands to think we are cheap. If you find you a $ movie, go to it and look for us. We’re the ones laughing all the time on another one of Meme and Gramps’ EXCELLENT Adventures

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